


Don't Have a Choice, But Still Choose You

by hi_irashay



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: FEELINGS AU, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, Sometimes you just gotta brood on a lake shore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:09:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21732769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hi_irashay/pseuds/hi_irashay
Summary: Since he’d woken up - fully woken up, and regained his sense of self - he’d learned to accept that some things were inevitable, that there were some things he couldn’t change.This wasn’t one of those things.  Steve was never supposed to be one of those things.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Kudos: 41





	Don't Have a Choice, But Still Choose You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FlameBlownWhiter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlameBlownWhiter/gifts).



> The author would like to express how dumb she found it that Steve chose to remain in the past with Peggy. Given that it’s a stupid-ass decision, she’s elected to ignore it in this fic. 
> 
> The author also wants to recognize that perhaps she gave Bucky a richer inner life than is realistic, but whatever. Feelings AU and proud!
> 
> Title and vague inspo from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNlxKH9Jtmc

The lake sparkled under the late afternoon sun. Bucky sat close to the shoreline, but far enough inland to still be under the cover of the trees. He felt the light breeze play over his face as he considered the situation, watched as it turned into light ripples on the water. Since he’d woken up - fully woken up, and regained his sense of self - he’d learned to accept that some things were inevitable, that there were some things he couldn’t change. This wasn’t one of those things. Steve was never supposed to be one of those things.

Bucky had known exactly what was going to happen before Steve even opened his stupid, perfect mouth. He knew that Steve was going to volunteer to be the one to return all the stones. No, he was going to _insist_ on being the one to do it. Same old story, not much else to say. Steve would forever be jumping on the grenade to protect everyone around him after all these years. It was like he was trapped in a world where that was his only option for every situation - must still fight for the little guy, must strive to do his part, or else. _Above and beyond his part_ , if you asked Bucky. When would enough be enough?

The rest of these Avengers - this new group he was supposed to call “team” - they only saw Steve’s sense of responsibility. For better or for worse, they knew Captain America would always do what was best, would always have their backs. They might not always agree with him, or understand him, but they could trust in his judgment. They could rely on their Cap.

They didn’t see what Bucky saw. They didn’t see the toll it took on him, that there was a person underneath the muscles and righteousness who had to live with the weight of “Cap’s” decisions. They didn’t know his Steve, the stubborn little shit. The bullheaded treasure of a man who had never backed down...

 _Well goddamn,_ Bucky thought. _Maybe Steve was always one of those inevitable things._

But on top of that - as if this tragic destiny of Steve’s needed anything more piled on - Bucky wasn’t convinced the plan was even going to work. They all swore up and down that it was fine before, that these particles and this theory was the real deal. “Before,” such an easy excuse for them all to pull. He couldn’t argue with “before,” after all. He hadn’t been there. But he was here now, and Stark, the brains he would trust, wasn’t.

So Bucky sat, his worries evanescing into a dark cloud that descended over his mood. He was stewing, and he knew it, but he wasn’t sure what else he could do. If Bucky had gleaned one scrap of wisdom from being forced to be the Winter Soldier, it was that people who hid behind big words and fancy science tended not to understand how the real world actually worked. And for all the experience, for all the knowledge these Avengers had, maybe actually understanding the world was the one thing they were lacking. Steve would be the one to pay the price for their deficit, Bucky knew.

A prickling along the edges of his awareness let Bucky know that Steve had found him and was drawing near. Bucky made no move to acknowledge him, simply stretching his legs out in front and leaning back on his arms. As Steve approached he pulled up on Bucky’s right side to settle in, dropping to the ground with more grace than should be allowed. Steve crossed his legs and propped his elbows on his knees, face in his palms as he hunched slightly forward.

They sat in silence for a while, the quiet had become an old friend to them in recent years. This was a different sort of quiet, though, one with a low thrum of tension that made the inches between them stretch into miles. Bucky didn’t like it, but he could be stubborn too. It was several minutes before Steve finally broke first.

“You know I have to, Buck.” His voice was soft, but resolute. Bucky turned towards Steve to find his eyes trained on the horizon. Steve swallowed, before dropping his gaze to his lap. “It’s just one more mission.”

Bucky huffed out a breath that might have been a laugh, he wasn’t sure. “Yeah, sure Steve. Just one more mission.” He couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his tone, to his consternation.

Steve dropped his hands and finally met Bucky’s eyes, a shock of blue on brown. He looked… upset? Annoyed? Wistful? Bucky couldn’t name whatever emotion it was that had set up shop on Steve’s face. Maybe all of the above. Maybe none of the above. 

Steve’s expression settled into a more familiar earnestness. “It’s different this time, I swear.” He twisted his torso to face Bucky head-on, spine ramrod straight and shoulders square. “You know me. You know I’ve…” he trailed off, shaking his head. “Nat’s gone. Tony, too. I was tired before all this, when we were living after the Snap. Probably even before that, if I’m honest. I’m more tired now.” 

Bucky studied Steve - the way his posture drooped infinitesimally, the way his eyes couldn’t settle on a target. He did know Steve, is the thing. He knew the impossible combination of want and regret. He knew the fine line between self-sacrifice and self-sabotage that Steve walked daily. Bucky saw what it cost him, even if the others didn’t.

“I know you are, pal.” It was a peace offering, an attempt to cut the tension and smooth out the little wrinkle between Steve’s eyebrows. It half worked, the corner of Steve’s mouth quirked up as he mouthed “pal” to himself.

“Look,” Bucky continued. “I get it. I do. I just… I wish I didn’t.” Bucky paused, chasing the thread of his thoughts. “I wish a lot of things, I guess.”

Steve looked thoughtful. “Like what?”

Bucky considered the question, shifting slightly to redistribute his weight on his hands behind him. “I wish I understood this plan, I wish I could trust these people like you do.” He tilted his head back, trying to focus on the canopy of leaves and pine needles above them. “I wish it didn’t always have to be you. I wish it had never been me. I... wish things had turned out differently for both of us.”

Out of the corner of his eye Bucky saw Steve cock his head to the side as he asked “Do you really?” There was a hesitancy to his question that gave Bucky pause. “Because you realize by doing this I could… change... certain things. I mean, it’s a gamble as to what the actual impact would be, but I could still tinker a bit.”

Bucky flopped his head to the side, fixing Steve with an incredulous glare. “You would never.”

Steve laughed a little before his expression sobered. “You’re right. I wouldn’t.”

“And I wouldn’t want you to,” Bucky said in his most emphatic tone. Steve smiled his first real smile at that - a small, blinding thing. Still, it was so bright that Bucky had to turn away and refocus on the rippling water of the lake.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way,” Steve replied, before he, too, shifted his gaze back over the water.

Steve’s head listed onto Bucky’s shoulder as they sat, his _human_ shoulder, and then settled in more purposefully with a subtle shifting of his body. The soft sigh that Steve let out sounded impossibly content. People didn’t sigh contentedly around the Winter Soldier, and they rarely did around Bucky these days for that matter. It was a sound Bucky had fought hard to get back - people wanting to be around him was something he would never take for granted, but especially when it came to Steve.

“It will only seem like I’m gone for a couple of seconds. You know that, right?” Steve’s question broke Bucky out of his reverie. “The plan is solid. I know you only have my word for it, but you can trust me even if you can’t trust the team.”

“Yeah, I know” Bucky replied, still amazed at how well Steve can read him after all this time. “I’ll be waiting.” The ghost of their old familiar phrase hung in the air between them, whispered through the trees and echoing out over the lake. _Until the end of the line_.

“Don’t make me say it again, Steve” Bucky continued, keeping his voice as gentle as possible in the fragility of the moment. He felt rather than saw Steve’s smile as it was pressed into his shoulder.

“I know, Buck.” Steve brought his left hand behind them to lay over Bucky’s right hand, intertwining their fingers and bracing them both. Stronger together than they were separate, as always. “Me, too.”

They returned to their silence, the undercurrent of tension gone and replaced with the serenity of understanding and companionship. After a few breaths, Bucky slowly brought his head down to lay on top of Steve’s. His hair was soft under Bucky’s cheek - Bucky wanted to memorize the feeling, preserve the sensation of each strand against his skin. The sun had sunk lower as the afternoon meandered towards evening. Bucky closed his eyes against the glare off the lake, stealing whatever last scraps of time he could before Steve went back to his duty. 

_Just one more mission,_ Bucky thought. _You’re my mission,_ he remembered.

There are some things that are inevitable, Bucky knows. Maybe Steve would always be one of those things, but that meant Bucky would be too.

**Author's Note:**

> It feels important to point out that I have a shippy heart and intent here, even if it's only one of them "if you squint"-type fics PROBABLY.
> 
> It also feels important to point out that my girl's prompt for this was "Maybe you can write me something with boys staring out into the nothing and telling their deepest hardest-to-tell feelings."
> 
> MAYBE  
> I  
> CAN


End file.
